How to have a better sex life not just better sex

First off, this is not a diagrammatic explanation of how to be more acrobatic or adventurous in bed. There will be no place “leg a” over “arm c” and do the hokey pokey description on having a better sex life. Here I attempt to outline characteristics in each of us that may lead to us being less confident with our lovers and mental walls we build that hold us back from experiencing the true exhilaration of free sex.

I suppose the very first thing that comes to mind is, what are we drawing a comparison from. What is better, or rather, what is worse? In my humble opinion I would say a bad sex life is one that is devoid of honesty or one approached with tactical precision. The best sex life one can have is when you are honest not only with your partners but with yourself. Honest about what turns you on, what you don’t like and about your personal boundaries.

So lets get right into it…

How to have better sex life in general

1. Communicate

Communicate in your sex life

Solid communication is one of the pillars of any healthy relationship and no less so in ones sex life. Enhancing your communication skill can help in all aspects of ones life, from your work interactions to your social life and everything in between. Communication does not mean studying linguistics or knowing seven different ways of saying the same thing. In fact, good communication is as reliant on your ability to remain silent and listen as it is on your ability to speak a.k.a. listening.

It also helps a lot to understand how others communicate. We all experience the world around us in slightly different ways. Where you might get excited about a subject and feel the urge to hug someone, that someone may misinterpret your actions as the urge to copulate. Body language plays an integral part in communication. So learn to understand the difference between “hello friend” and “take of your clothes” for this may save you great deal of sorrow. You can learn more about body language in this wonderful article by Ruth Hill.

Sex life tip:

An exercise I really enjoy, or at least the outcome of it, is to broach a subject with my long term partner that I feel uncomfortable about or something that evokes strong negative feelings but instead of giving in to the comfortable and often destructive norm I force myself to look at from a completely different angle that allows me to speak about it without the anger or fear. It opens doors you never knew existed.

2. Love yourself

love yourself

Now I know this sounds like your typical happy clappy lets all hug each other advice. I often hear people spout clichés like “if you don’t love yourself then how can you love another?”…This evokes the most violent gag reflex in me. But I suppose clichés are clichés because they carry truth. So lets look at this from a practical point of view.

Loving yourself does not mean sending yourself a tacky card on the 14th of February nor does it require chivalry like opening the door for yourself (although this is hard to avoid). Loving yourself means accepting yourself as you are and being less critical about your flaws. We are all incredibly flawed beings especially when considering how many of us there are and how varied our perception of the world around us is. Loving yourself is really just another way of saying be confident in who you are.

It may just be me but I also find myself trusting those who lack self love/confidence less than those who have it. I’m not saying every person who appears to be confident is trustworthy as many who appear to be so are not at all and are merely exercising their social masks and can quite often just be dicks. A truly confident person is not as easily swayed to believe rumours or gossip. A lover who is confident in themselves is far less likely to fall for such base techniques to drive a wedge between them and their partner.

Your sex life will improve in ways you can’t fully grasp until you reach the confidence that comes with loving yourself. Sex becomes more playful and fun. If your not in a sexual relationship the self love will not only help you be happy as a single person but also improve your chances of meeting a quality partner. Losers will search out the weaklings in the pack and prey on them…Don’t be food for predators. Mel Whitney wrote a little article on how to love yourself for elitedaily.com that has some good points.

Sex life tip:

Forget what you think you know about your body’s shape or your skins complexion or any of the multitude of ridiculous details that now partner worth their salt would chastise you over. Believe yourself sexy and you will find you start acting and moving in a more sexy way, your partner will notice and definitely like it. Show confidence and take control or if you usually take control try giving it up every now and then.

3. Be willing to try new things

try new things in your sex life

Yeah, I know. World shaking concept isn’t it. But in all seriousness, willingness to try new things does not begin and end in the bedroom. It’s great being sexually experimental but that is just one part of it.

Willingness to try new things is the same as willingness to leave what’s holding you back. Too often people say things like “I’m just really bad at being honest” like its a characteristic of theirs not unlike their eye colour or shoe size…I hate that. I hate that people so easily write of opportunities or other people because of what they think they are. The only reason we as humans have come as far as we have and survived against all odds is our ability to adapt and change. Our views on life, habits and even beliefs are fragile, pliable things. We train ourselves to believe in what we believe.

Sex life tip:

I say always be willing to try new things as long as no one gets hurt against their will. Try some high quality sex toys (because low quality ones are a waste of time and money) even though it may scare you (yes I’m referring specifically to guys here). Try to break out of your usual thought pattern, you may surprise yourself in what you are capable of. In short, be willing to allow yourself to think outside your personal box and your sex life will thank you for it.

4. Be flexible (not physically, although that helps)

be flexible

This may sound very similar to willingness to try new things and in a way they are very closely related. However, flexibility is more the willingness to bend your usual thing for the benefit of another person or yourself. I’m not saying you should do anything and everything a lover asks of you as this could lead to you being taken advantage of. I am rather suggesting that you allow yourself to be influenced within reason.

Complete and utter freedom has its down side though. Without structure you have nothing to be flexible around and one soon loses drive or the exhilaration that comes from breaking free. It’s that old story of never knowing one extreme and in so doing never appreciating the other. When it comes to sexuality we all have our structure, whether it is borne of our upbringing or of experiences as adults, its there. So unlike other life experiences like work or studying we don’t need to think too much about the structure, we need to appreciate it for what it is and then attempt to see what parts of it is holding us, or our partners back from the full beautiful experience and learn to adapt it.

Sex life tip:

Be fearless and trust your partner. If they let you down severely when you open up to them then they aren’t right for you. Don’t immediately right of an idea proposed by your partner because of the social perception of it, that is classic bullshit. Society looks down of many practices that bring great amounts of joy to many people, don’t jump in the river just because everyone else is.

5. Express your boundaries

express sex life boundaries

If your partner does not know where your boundaries are they are unable to respect or push them. It’s just that simple. You can’t allow yourself to get angry when in the heat of the moment your intimate friend slips a finger somewhere interesting that is perhaps outside your comfort zone when you did not express this to them. Even when anger is not evoked, an unexpected experience can bring the mood right down in so doing kill the passion. No passion equals boring sex, we do not like boring sex.

Sex life tip:

If there is something that you are completely unwilling to try or to experience in your sex life then it is imperative you let your lover know. Don’t jump experimentation on an un-expecting partner either.

6. Express your sexual needs

express sex life needs

Yeah, no one likes overly needy people but having needs is not the same thing. Sexual needs are as diverse as any other. Some are unfortunately looked down upon or frowned at but that does not make them any less valid. It may be very scary to be this honest or open with another human being and not always advised especially when you do not know the person well. However, when you find that guy or girl with whom you can share every hidden sexual desire be sure to treat them nice.

Sexual deviancy is the term often used on those perfectly good human beings when they are into the more extreme side of sex life. This has a negative connotation it does not deserve. This will annoy the prudish but these so called “deviants” are not so different from everyone else, they are often just more liberated. Don’t be the prude when your partner asks you to place a bit in their mouth and ride them like a horse, get the riding crop and lunge them for a bit instead 😉

Sex life tip:

To avoid offending your partner or killing the mood you could try phrasing your desires differently. Start of with a compliment like “you are so good at oral sex, especially when you do that thing” or “I cant believe how good it feels when we do it in that position but it would be even better like this”. You can count on your partners willingness to do exactly that which you complimented them on more often in the future.

7. Respect your partners

repect your partners

Respect their right as human beings. You do not have the right to manipulate or control your lover or partner unless they specifically give you that right and honestly those occasions aren’t really related to this point. I’m referring to when you know someone intimately and in so doing have become aware of their shortcomings or personal insecurities and you then continue to make use of this knowledge to achieve your personal goals. That type of behaviour can easily be described as abuse.

Respect them enough to be honest with them. If they are not fulfilling your sexual needs then by gosh let them know before you seek fresh flesh. Respect their past, even if it does include a sex life comparable to many steamy erotic novels. We are all merely the sum of our experiences and if a person could become someone you could fall in love with from what some may perceive as an overly sexual life then so be it and do not let your personal indoctrinations ruin something beautiful or harm another human being. It’s not worth it and in the long run you too will suffer from your own actions whether it’s by the hands of another or by simply missing out on life.

Sex life tip:

Next time you find yourself getting jelly about your partners history or angry for being rejected remember that you willingly let them into your life and if you can’t handle your shit then let them go but under no circumstance is it OK to berate or break them down because of it.

8. Understand the difference between your emotions and reality

understand

Lets face it, we’ve all been there. You are so sure that your point view is the only truth and anything another says to you sounds like manipulative nonsense. It’s an embarrassing state of mind and that’s me trying to be nice about it. The very nature of emotion is a thing devoid of rationality. Chemicals start rushing our fragile minds and before we know it we’re shouting or worse. Needless to say this rarely leads to anything good.

There is really is not any quick fix to this issue though. One can become more aware of one self through practices like meditation or keeping a journal and in so doing allowing yourself to observe yourself as it were. A little bit of fresh air, sunshine and perhaps some physical excursion also does wonders to clear the mind and ground oneself especially when you do not have time to find a solution or clarity.

Sex life tip:

Do not assume negative intent, in other words do not assume that a persons actions are targeting you directly for a negative response. Our amazing minds have the ability to make any situation seem much bigger or worse than it actually is and if you can get yourself to remember this it becomes much easier to pull your head out of your ass and realize your going cray.

9. Value the needs of others

others needs

We are all guilty of this on a certain level. When one is left to ones own devices its not uncommon to forget that which is outside your head. We can get stuck in an infinite “I want” loop of sorts where each selfish thought gives birth to another. This is obviously unhealthy, and getting to this place makes its very easy to forget the needs of others.

This type of craziness is very detrimental to your sex life. If you forget the needs of your partner then how can you expect them to consider your needs? If you are not concious of what your partner needs then refer to point one again, communicate.

Sex life tip:

Ask them what they need or would like. If your partner is not super open to communicating there intimacy then it’s up to you to pay close attention during sex. As a starter you can determine what they don’t like by paying close attention to body language. After this it’s a matter of deduction and before long sexual barriers will start falling away.

10. Do not be afraid to live your fantasy

live your fantasies

To many this may seem like redundant advice, I mean wouldn’t we all like to live our fantasy’s? The truth is many of us are not able to admit to our naughty fantasy’s never mind act on them. This being said there are those out there who claim that the moment you get your fantasy (especially in your sex life) it loses its power and yes, there is that but is that not how we grow and evolve? Nothing ventured nothing gained? If you are happy being the same old person you are today and have no desire to find out what your true sexual potential is then those people are right for your personal idiom and that is just fine for some. However, if you are part of the select group who want to push your boundaries as far as they go and are unafraid of the sexy consequences then I would recommend some sex role play or whatever it is that makes you feel naughty.

Sex life tip:

It can be very intimidating for many of us to express the desire to try something new. To simplify it you can forgo the speaking out and instead write it down. Write it down wherever you like, in a journal, on post-it notes, or even in your very own sexual fantasy/desires go to book in which both you and your partner describe sexual fantasies you would like to experience and then when things get stale pull it out and go somewhere new.

 

Conclusion

There you have it. Easy right? If you try and keep to as many of these points as possible I can almost assure a better sex life for you and your partner. Please be so kind as to leave a shout out and let us know what you think or if you have other points that could add value to all our sex lives. Sharing is caring after all.

Here’s wishing all you sexy people a very sexy life.

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